The Great White Hype

If you subscribe to the image to the right, well, then you are a fool. On the surface it would seem that the Batman wouldn't have a fighting chance against Supes. "Isn't it lucky for the Caped Crusader that they fight on the same side?" you say to yourself. "Superman can do anything and everything and he's essentially invincible to boot. Batman is just some weird rich guy who dresses in black and plays with some silly gadgets." All of these things would be true if not for one simple and glaring truth: Superman is a bitch.
That's right, I called The Man 'o Steel a fucking pussy-ass bitch. Bring it, ye followers of Krypton. Who does this guy think he is anyway? This is an old point with me but it recently came to the surface again after I watched the new Superman movie teaser trailer. I'm not sure if this was present in the comics or just something some marketing exec came up with in a wet dream, but they are basically trying to push Kal El as some holy son and saviour sent to Earth to redeem mankind by his mystical and all-knowing father. Uh, hello!? Clark Kent is not Jesus of Nazareth in silk tights. The only redeeming factor of Superman is that he makes the rest of us look like less of dousche-bags standing next to him.
Seriously, why does anyone care anything about Supes or read his books? You can't write an interesting or compelling storyline about the guy because you know he's never in any real danger or is going to have any real problems overcoming the obstacles or bad guys. There's no fucking suspense! I mean, the stories are all about Bizarro Worlds and Pocket Universes . . . what the fuck is that about exactly?
Superpowers? Flies - check. Jumps really high and runs really fast - check. X-ray eyes - check. Super strength - check. Impervious to bullets and otherwise invincible - check. Fucking A! Give the guy a damn weakness already! Why does he need super jumping or super speed if he can fly? I mean give The Flash a break. The guy has one measly power; otherwise he's worthless. And you're telling me Supes is going to come in and break up his party and beat him in a race!? And how many special vision and breath powers can one guy have!? Pick one and stick to it. "Well Tim, he can't look through lead. Obviously he's got limits." Yeah, I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Kent were really concerned that their son wasn't going to make master plumber . . . sheeesh. His major weakness is a rare stone from his home planet that is found almost nowhere or is far too expensive for anyone other than Lex Luthor to afford. Sure, I don't think Batman is gonna get shot by some nameless thug on the street anytime soon, but at least it's possible and something he has to worry about. The only thing Superman has to worry about when he goes heroing is his cowlick and how much of a dipshit he looks like.
Doesn't anyone else find it a little weird that Clark Kent is the proto-typical Aryan WASPy frat guy and that a bunch of Jews created the character? Really kinda creates an ironic situation when he goes to Poland to fight the Nazis in the '40s. And Clark Kent is a terrible secret identity. Why the fuck does Superman need a day job? Is he such an egomaniac that he has to save the world from utter destruction and then cover himself in the newspaper? As if the general public had never heard of Superman and needed to be fucking filled in. Hey Clark, I think they got it man.
Now Bruce Wayne is a real character. This guy has some deep-seeded issues. He isn't sure if he wants to fucking kill you or simply cripple you and leave you living the rest of your days in a psych ward pissing yourself everytime the lights go off. He's not your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man; he's the Batman, the Dark Knight, a black force of demonic vengeance that will fuck you up no matter who you are or who you paid to keep you safe. Batman not only puts away the psychos, he's just short of being one himself. He's a scientist, a detective, a philanthropist, a playboy, a martial arts master, a multi-billionaire businessman, and a badass. And I guarantee you that Bruce Wayne owns some kryptonite, so fucking watch out Supes. Keep your Brawny Man reject, Seinfeld; Batman will kick his alien ass any day of the week.