Friday, March 31, 2006

Immigration

I have been thinking about this for awhile now and I figure I might as well throw in my two cents. This was never meant to be a political blog, mostly due to the fact that I've grown quite apathetic in a lot of areas, but sometimes it's better to speak than to remain silent and have no stance on an issue. And this is an issue that I do care deeply about.
Immigration and illegal aliens in this country. In case you are oblivious to the matter, it has become the hot-button topic of the moment and one that will surely become a focal point for this year's elections. I've followed the issue, read the papers, listened to the TV pundits, and read fellow bloggers posts about this problem. What is the problem? How do we identity it correctly? How do we solve it? If only I was knowledgeable and well-spoken enough to talk about this issue in the manner it deserves.
You know, I get the anti-immigrant people in a way. I used to think like they do. Back in high school I thought, "Why should these people, these Mexicans, be allowed to just walk into my country and steal our rightful jobs and mess up our society and culture?" I was young and I thought I knew everything and my thinking was influenced by not a little prejudice, I'm now embarrassed to admit. Then my bubble was burst.
Since the age of 16 when I began working, I've encountered Mexicans, Hondurans, Salvadorians, Guatemalans, and Peruvians. I've become good friends with Colombians and I've dated a girl from Brazil. When I got to college, I declared my major as history. Because of class openings, my focus inadvertently became Latin and South American history with an importance on colonialism. I learned basic Spanish from three Mexican co-workers who I became friendly with. Through all of these experiences, I gained and I learned. Learned about the cultures and the histories and the language. But most of all, I learned about the people.
These are good people. They want to work, to live their lives, and most importantly to provide for their families and give their children opportunities they didn't have themselves. Sounds eerily familiar doesn't it? It's the American Dream. Who said it was only available for us in the US? It needs to be less the United States of America and more the United Nations of the Americas. The people that are going to have the biggest impact on this country's future are the ones who already share our hemisphere, not the Europeans, Asians, or Middle Easterners. We need to work on some solidarity. Some people may argue that these people don't belong in our country or maybe aren't ardent Americans. I would strongly argue against this.
Now, I'm not a student of economics but it is pretty clear to see that purging illegal Hispanics from our country is not going to be good for the national economy (And I do mean Hispanics, because this is what it really is about; no one is even thinking about the countless Chinese who die and sell themselves into slavery to get into this country). The problem is not these immigrants stealing our jobs. These are mostly agricultural and service industry jobs that Americans deem beneath them anyway. These people should be applauded for undertaking labor that snobs in this country never would. Why work your ass off in the field or cleaning up toilets when you can collect a welfare check or sell meth out of your garage? The major problem is that American companies are shipping out manufacturing jobs south of the border for pennies an hour. People can't survive at these wages in their own country, so they come here. Sounds like a good idea to me; if I was in that situation I would probably jump the fence too.
We've actually been discussing this issue in my RCIA class for the past two weeks. We're stressing not only the importance of the sacraments, but the role Catholics should play in helping to reverse this endless cycle of manipulation and poverty (and here I thought the Church's purpose was to oppress and divide people; religion sure is a terrible thing). What is really terrible is what provisions are included in the US House and GA State legislature bills. Because of high Hispanic populations many Catholic Churches in Georgia offer Masses conducted completely in Spanish. In addition, many offer English classes, free of charge, to Hispanic families trying to better get by in our American communities. St. Joseph's of Athens is one such Church to do so. Did you know our lawmakers are trying to make it so criminal charges, felonies no less, may be levied against any and all providing aid of any sort to illegal immigrants? I personally know nuns who are dedicating their lives to helping poor Mexican immigrants simply survive. Must these sisters risk being thrown in state or federal prison because of this? Does anyone else see the ridiculousness of this situation?
Another great idea is the proposed fence to be built on the US-Mexican border. I'm all for enforcement of the border to better national security. Heck, more border agents means more jobs for people in the towns of Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. I'm all for that. But a wall? Seems like America used to be against walls. I thought we helped pressure the Soviet Union to tear down a rather infamous one in Germany. What's great about this is that the wall the government wants to build is 700 miles long. The border we share with Mexico is 2,000 miles long. Pure genius. What they don't want to tell you is that they are hoping that illegals get lost or even die in the endless stretches of desert and harsh terrain that makes up the remaining length. Hey, the more dead Mexicans there are, the less can come over. Sounds pretty cruel and unusual to me.
And what is more un-American than denying basic human rights to people in this country, illegal immigrant or not? Unless, perhaps Georgia and US politicians don't believe that health care and education are inherently humanitarian. I can't think of a better way to push Mexican illegals into gangs and crime than to deny them an education. For God's sakes, let these people better themselves and pull themselves out of a bad situation! Don't punish hard-working fathers and mothers by charging them with felonies and sending them to prison. Jail overcrowding is already a big issue and you want to make it worse by punishing people who want nothing more than to give themselves a little hard-earned dignity!? Am I the only person in this crazy country who is sane, who can look past the xenophobia? It literally is bringing me to tears to think that no one in this Goddamn nation can take a fucking look at their own plushy middle-class situation and look past it into our history, to their own ancestors who bled and sweat and built this land of freedom and liberty so that their descendants would not have to be persecuted like how we are persecuting these immigrants. Whether it's Catholics, Irish, Italians, Jews, Poles, or whoever is currently coming in, this attitude always seems to rear its ugly head and try to promote racism and division. GET OVER IT!!! Yes, these immigrants should be brought over legally and should be paying taxes to support this great society, but there has to be a better way to accomplish this than just saying, "GET OUT AND STAY OUT!" If you are going to support one of these bills, than please support the one approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee. And if you are still confused, than just ask yourself this question:

"Do I really want to ask them to leave?"


Just for the helluva it

I think I originally came across this picture on 'Conan' but this is not only the ugliest dog in the world but . . .

. . . also the inspiration for 'Return of the Jedi' villain Salacious Crumb.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

When Picasso met Britney

I recently read this news article on Yahoo about some rad new sculpture that's causing all sorts of controversy throughout New York and the art world. So I check it out and I get this:





















It's a life-size nude of a very pregnant Britney Spears giving birth like some wildebeest in the wild and clutching a bear rug. HUH!? Are you fucking kidding me? And apparently (this is the best part) it's being lauded as a celebration of the pro-life sentiments in this country. To say the least, I'm a little baffled. For one, are we so obsessed with crap pop culture and US Weekly in this country that our art must reflect it? I guess Andy Warhol would approve and applaud this, but this is just beyond weird. It seems that the arts in America are suffering so much that to be noticed it's turned into a battle to see who can bring the most shock value into their work. I also was reading about how the big theatre production set to hit Broadway is the 'Lord of the Rings' musical. Nothing is original these days; just some re-hashing or "re-imagining" of old ideas to cash in on last year's big bucks. Pathetic. What's next: 'Jackass: The Interpretative Dance' ?

Secondly, is the pro-life movement so hard up for support that they are turning to Britney Spears as a model of all that is good and right? I'm pretty sure she just got knocked up. Sure it's great that she didn't ask Kevin to punch her in the stomach or throw her down the stairs, but the miracle of life isn't as beautiful when it's exploited as a reality TV show (Chaotic? Come on, come up with something better than that) for every dollar possible. I'm certainly against abortion, but I can tell you I won't be referencing this trashy pair of parents as paragons of virtue anytime soon.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Road Rage

A little mathematical formula for you:

Idiots + automobiles = brain aneurysm

I wholeheartedly believe you should be forced to take a driver competentcy exam when you get your license renewed. Even better, every new car should be outfitted with a special 'Bad Driver' computer that must be turned on in order to start the ignition. This computer monitors and records your dumb-ass vehicular maneuvers and rules infractions and then transports them via wireless or magical means to the local sheriff's office. Tickets are then issued to your home. Or just added onto your credit card. But for now, here are some pointers.

- In a multi-lane highway, the fast lane is always the left-most lane. For instance, if there are two lanes travelling in the same direction, the left lane is the fast lane. Although the term is quite ambiguous, the fast lane is for faster-moving traffic. If you are in the fast lane going the speed limit and a faster vehicle approaches behind you, you should only take one action. Get into the right-hand lane. For no reason should you be going 55 in a 65 zone and travelling in the fast lane. And don't get mad if your dumb-ass doesn't get over and I ride your tail, flash my blickers and high-beams, and finally give you a dirty look when I am forced to pass you on the right. The Germans are able to utilize this simple system at very great speeds; no reason you can't either.

- If I am trying to parallel park in front of my building (unit) and the driveway is very narrow, be a little patient. No point in trying to rush past and almost hit me. You're not one person trying to push past to get onto the bus; we're in large hunks of manipulable metal that can cause quite a bit of damage and be expensive to repair. Besides, karma's a bitch. Your snobby, sorority, slut butt may be in a hurry to get to chapter so you can talk about how you got drunk and fucked Parker Thomas from Pi Kappa Alpha last night, but you'll never make it there when your daddy's SUV flips and you're trapped inside as the gas tank explodes. All I'm saying is take your time.

- The Bev Pull-out is a fully sanctioned and acceptable maneuver in Beverly, MA or anywhere in New England. But don't try it here in Georgia please.

- This has nothing to do with your driving or your choice of transportation. I'm sure a moped is a fine means of conveyance. But please don't take up my parking spot with it. I don't really like having to work around it when I parallel park. Can't you just pull it up on the curb or something? It weighs like 7 pounds.

Just think about what you are doing people and we can all get where we are going without mishap or broken blood vessels.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Mr. Commissioner:


I shouldn't be writing this post right now. I should be in bed. In fact, I was in bed watching ESPN trying to fall asleep until a few minutes ago. And then I saw an 'Outside the Lines' news report that prompted me to get up and walk down to the computer lab in the cold in my pajamas. What was the topic of discussion? The one year anniversary of the Congressional steroid hearings in baseball and the new evidence against Barry Bonds. I felt compelled to get up and speak my mind about this. The result is the following letter I have composed to Bud Selig, Commissioner of Baseball.

Mr. Selig:
I strongly urge you to consider this new evidence against Barry Bonds concerning his supposed steroid abuse and investigate it to the fullest. My personal feelings about Mr. Bonds aside, I feel you must look into these new allegations and witness testimony and use your status as Commissioner to ferret out the truth regarding them. I believe that your legacy and the reputation of the game of baseball itself rely on your actions and strong decision concerning this matter.
I have been an ardent baseball fan since I was a child and a die-hard Cincinnati Reds follower for even longer than that. In fact, one of my earliest memories is of me sitting in the living room with my father, watching Pete Rose break Ty Cobb's all-time hit record on September 11, 1985. On that date, I was not yet a month over the age of three. From that moment on, I have always followed the Reds and Mr. Rose has continued to be my favorite player. I know you must think that I am going to complain about his status in baseball and your policies directed towards him, but that is not my purpose here today. I am more worried about something that threatens the very integrity and longevity of baseball.
I believe that the steroid issue has handicapped the game and has distanced the fans from the players. Following the mid-nineties strike and other problems with baseball, I stopped watching and following the game. Growing up, I was like any other American kid. I wanted to be a professional baseball player. But for various reasons, I stopped caring about Major League Baseball. I began to take interest in other leagues, such as the NFL and NBA. I never thought I would be a baseball fan again until something amazing happened.
The 1998 MLB season; the Home-Run Race. Nothing in baseball had ever captured my attention like Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa competing for Roger Maris' single-season HR record. I was in my junior year of high school and at first I followed it like any other American citizen passively paying attention to the proceedings. But as the season wore on, I found myself daily checking in on it through television, radio, and the newspaper. I was hooked on baseball again! As tainted as those memories have become, I owe that season and those two home-run heroes my renewed passion for baseball.
I'm sure you can imagine how terrible and agonizing it was for me and millions of baseball fans nationwide to bear witness as the steroid debate and accusations played out, finally resulting in the Congressional hearings a year ago. My images of McGwire and Sosa are now tarnished, and I feel a fool for actually believing Rafael Palmeiro when he vehemently denied ever taking steroids. It all undercuts my love for baseball, and makes me question the reasons I renewed my faith in the game. If these greats could be put under the magnifying glass, who else could be? I am very glad that the MLB has adopted a tougher stance on the steroid issue and I honestly applaud you pushing the increased penalties for first, second, and third-time offenders. Just as in the game, I believe a player should have three strikes before he is out. I really think that the penalty system now in place is outstanding and will hopefully deter future major and minor-leaguers from taking performance-enhancing drugs. But I still believe there are some issues concerning the steroid policies and the players that benefited from that era in the game.
Why are there no tests for human growth hormone? Why are urine samples immediately destroyed rather than kept for future use? What good are the penalties if the testing is not adequate enough to have them enforced? And how will young players know they will be held to these standards if the older ones are not? If Barry Bonds is found to have used steroids or any other performance-enhancing drugs to help him break records, isn't that unfair to Roger Maris, Babe Ruth, and Hank Aaron and their families? Shouldn't their legacies be protected from steroids? I honestly believe that any player who is found to have used steroids should have his stats and records wiped clean. And any player, no matter how well-loved or how big a star, should be subjected to close scrutiny if reliable information and evidence should surface. My favorite active player is Ken Griffey Jr. I would be surprised if it was found that he used steroids, but I would whole-heartedly be behind any punitive measures directed towards him because of it. Whether they are an up-and-coming minor leaguer or the MLB's biggest star, no player should be exempt. If Pete Rose was exiled for some simple outside betting, shouldn't players found cheating within the game be given the strictest of punishments? Especially in Mr. Bonds' case, when he is so close to surpassing some of the game's most treasured icons.
Mr. Selig, I love baseball. I truly believe that it is America's game and that our national identity and soul are exhibited each time two opposing teams take the field opposite one another. I know that difficult decisions lie ahead for you. I must admit that I am not your biggest fan, for reasons that are probably apparent in this letter. But I honestly believe that you have acted in the best interest of baseball recently with the steroid issue. I only ask you to continue the work you have started and finish with a strong hand. I'm sure you have received thousands of letters similar to this one in recent times. On behalf on their authors' and myself I ask that you only do the right thing. I am confident that you will and I assure you that you will always have a hard and fast supporter in me if you do.
Sincerely,
The Dunce-cap Marvel

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Walter aka The Working Man

I just got home from downtown; long night of drinking and hanging out with friends. I wanna give a heartfelt shout-out to my cab driver, Walter. I kinda had a bad experience with my last cabbie, Muhammad. I won't go into it, but it wasn't great for the record. Not so tonight. I jumped into the cab and turned out to be the only person in it, going to the East side no less. My cabbie was a middle-aged black man; he seemed a little familiar even. Then I figured it out; he used to work at Dial-America with me, the phone bank I used to work at. I remembered Walter as a pretty fun guy to work with; he was always laughing and goofing around. He really made a pretty crappy job a decent time. I always got a big kick out of him.
Anyways, me and Walter started talking after I figured out where I knew him from. He wasn't doing Dial-America anymore and had been driving a cab for awhile. Turns out he had a daughter who attended the University of GA. I pressed him a little and found out he had been working 4 jobs; two full and two part-time. He had finally cut back a little recently when his wife asked him to. He only slept on Wednesdays! I didn't know how to react. This guy was working his ass off in multiple low-wage jobs to create an oppurtunity for his children and his family. I grew up in a pretty hard-working family, but nothing like this!
After we got back to the place, I tipped him pretty well and grabbed his card for the next cab ride, but I still felt like some rich dousche-bag living in the fraternity house (for the record I do not live in a frat house or fraternize with frat boys, but some people may think me a dousche-bag). I live on my own and put myself through school without help from my folks, but I still felt inadequate next to what Walter is doing for his family. I have a hard time visualizing working 2 jobs, let alone 4! I have so much respect for Walter and for what he is doing. It's so sad that 98% of our school population has rich Marietta parents who pay for their tuition and their new Beemer, and that people like Walter are so uncelebrated. I wish I was more worthy of these people who make the greatest sacrifices, and go the extra mile to realize the American Dream.
I wish the Democrats and Republicans both would wake up and reward hard-working people like this, instead of talking trash and putting each other down. We owe so much more to Walter and his children; why can't we put forth a little effort and help someone realize a dream?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

To Ms. Salma Hayek:

I am an idiot and a fool. Please forgive me. I can't believe I left you off my list of leading ladies. Please believe that this was not done purposefully or for any reason other than my lack of wits and sheer forgetfulness. There is nothing forgetful about you and I am sorry for insulting you so. I saw you at the Oscars the other night and you were nothing short of gorgeous. Keira, Jessica, and Rachel Weisz were all beautiful but you put them to shame. Is there a more perfect example of the female form? I'm not sure that there is. On top of that, you are incredibly talented, both in front of and behind the camera. You are so much more deserving than Kate Beckinsale, who is just a notch above Tara Reid in her skill and made my list with a lot of help from her British accent. And how could anyone who knows me let me forget my love for Latina women and allow me to excuse you from my list? As previously stated, I am a great fool. Please accept my humble apology and find it in your heart to forgive me. My great hope is that someday I may redeem myself in your eyes and fulfill my dream to work and have sex with you.
Sincerely,
The Dunce-cap Marvel

Ahhh, the sweet smell of . . . semen?

Well, spring is . . . springing(?) in North Georgia. It's getting warm enough for shorts, baseball season is starting, and the dogwoods are blooming, bringing with them the omnipresent scent of human ejaculatory fluid. Seriously, why the hell do these trees smell exactly like cum? Walk outside and you'd think some cosmic giant jacked off into your front lawn. I don't know if you people have these trees where you live, but I hope for your sake that they are restricted to Dixie. The cherries of Washington are a prettier sight for the eyes and far easier on the nose.
Anyways, so begins the suckiest season of the quartet. In Georgia, the weather tends to be quite warm, but sometimes without a whim the sun goes off on a week-long bender and it gets cold again. I think we had snow in April a few years ago. I like defined seasons. I have no problem with the cold if I know it's gonna be cold, but it sucks to walk to class in a T-shirt because it was 85 degrees yesterday and find it's 40 instead. The human animal is one of adaptation and gradual inclination; extreme hot and colds are no fun.
And then you have the sheer wonder of seasonal allergies. Lo! What misery is visited upon the face of Man! In this case, my face . . . and my head, my sinuses, my eyes. And no simple ragweed hayfever this; this is a full onslaught of yellow spoor originating of the sinister Georgia pine! For a mimimum of six whole weeks, the whole expanse of the Earth is covered in this dusty blanket. Death by mustard gas would be preferable.
The remaining three seasons are much better in comparison to the horror that is spring. Summer, autumn, and winter. Everything's roasted, everything's dying, everything's dead.

Why is the American specimen so fascinated by lists?

This is a response to the list originally posted by 'lada.' I guess you are just s'posed to list 10 things that really set you off or get you going or something. Here's mine. Hey 'lada,' I'm of an accord with your mother; what's up with the fire?

10) 18th century muskets & Winchester rifles
9) trampolines
8) soft-serve ice cream
7) beer
6) cemeteries & very old churches
5) comic books
4) Irish fiddle music & drinking songs
3) libraries
2) lizards
1) movies