Oh hell yea --- hey what the fuck!?

I just got served. A minute ago I headed over to a fanboy site to check out some upcoming movie news and to see if there were any new developments with the flick I just talked about previously. Immediately the top headline jumps out and smacks me in the face: "Depp joining Smith in I Am Legend." I am like, "Fuck yes, this rocks my face off!" 'I Am Legend' is like the coolest vampire story this side of 'Dracula'. How awesome would a new film adaptation be? I mean, I like Charlton Heston and 'The Ωmega Man', but that film has almost nothing to do with Matheson's original story besides the main character's name and the "last man standing" theme. I would love to see this movie made and actually be about vampires. Plus Johnny Depp? This looks totally sweet.
Then I get the sour. Will Smith is playing Robert Neville. Shit. Don't get me wrong; I like Will Smith and think he is a fine actor when his talents are used properly, but I never really pictured him for this movie. Images of 'I, Robot' are clouding my vision. Could this be a sucktacular repeat? And maybe it is just me, but I don't usually like when black actors play parts that were not originally intended that way. It's not some racial thing for me; I just revere the source material and like to see people sticking to the original ideas. If Blade had been played by some skinny white kid every fanboy in Nerdom would have thrown up a collective "WTF?" Take 'Daredevil' for instance. Other than just being an awfully awful movie about a worthless superhero, they went and cast Michael Clarke Duncan as Kingpin. I love Duncan to death and think he is a fine talent, but Kingpin is like one of the whitest white guys I can think of in comics. Oh well. Hopefully this movie will rock and Will Smith will deliver. If it works I'll be the first to admit my error in judgment.

The Golden Compass

Last week I learned that Hollywood is making a film adaptation of Philip Pullman's 'The Golden Compass''. This has been constantly on my mind since and I am equal parts excited, anxious, and sad. Apparently the movie is being made by New Line and features Chris Weitz as writer/director and an unknown cast in the lead role of Lyra.
For anyone who doesn't know, 'The Golden Compass' is the first book of Pullman's trilogy 'His Dark Materials'. The following two volumes are entitled 'The Subtle Knife' and 'The Amber Spyglass'. The first book deals with Lyra, a pre-pubescent troublemaker who lives in an otherworldly Oxford, and her quest to rescue her best friend and discover the secret behind the strange substance known only as 'dust'. Her journey takes her to the far reaches of the North Pole and she is helped along the way by gyptians, witches, a Texan and his hot air balloon, an armored polar bear named Iorek, and her ever-constant companion Pantalaimon (I so love Pan). It also features what is quite possibly the evilest monkey ever to be captured on the written page in the English language.

At first I was incredibly excited about the project, which is scheduled to start shooting this fall. This is absolutely one of my most favorite stories of all time. Of all the many books I have read and loved in my short lifetime the 'His Dark Materials' series would most certainly be in the top 5. Although many people would categorize the books simply as children's books or fantasy, they are one of the few works that transcend genres. They are stunningly simple and complex at the same time, and Pullman weaves a gorgeous story that is beautifully written. Lyra and her fellow characters are incredibly realized and the journey they all undertake is one that is especially powerful, thought-provoking, and poignant. To see 'The Golden Compass' on the big screen would be amazing and I can think of few books I would rather see transferred to the film medium.

On the other hand, can Hollywood actually deliver on my fervent hopes and dreams? The answer is probably not. Chris Weitz made a fine movie in 'About a Boy'. And he also made 'American Pie'. Take that as you will. But does he have the stuff to bring Pullman's vision to life? And already the fanboy site messageboards are clamoring about the disaster that Hollywood will have marketing this movie. While it is a children's story, the children in the story are not really given any preferential treatment. There are some rather scary and graphic images portrayed. Not to mention the religious overtones that would give 'The DaVinci Code' a run for its money. I'm afraid the studio will pressure Weitz and whoever else is involved to water down the story and the message in order to provide a kid-friendly flick that doesn't raise a lot of controversy. $150 million is a lot to have invested in a picture after all. The main goal here is to make money. But so far as I can tell, Pullman himself is happy with the way New Line is handling the project. I guess if he is happy, I am happy.

So why am I sad? It's sort of a dumb reason that most everyone reading this will laugh about, but one that I'm sad about all the same. The thing is . . . I always wanted to make this movie. People will chuckle and make jokes about me and my dreams to become a successful filmmaker and I've come to grips with that. Let them laugh, I say. But honestly, the fact of the matter is that this is a story that I wanted to be responsible for. After I finished reading it, I knew that I would love to see it as a movie. And I wanted to make it. I have all sorts of ideas and ways to do it, but now I've been beaten to the punch. If I am to make this movie now I would have to do it drastically different or something or other. To be honest, I've already toyed with the idea of making an animated version. But I think I will keep the details in the toolbox for another day. I reckon I better get to work though.

The Dunce-cap Marvel would like to take this time to get on the individual who he has been pressuring to read these books for some time now: I suggested LOTR and you never read them, but ended up loving the movies as I knew you would. I suggested the Harry Potter books and you initially brushed me off but ended up reading them and watching the movies and loving them as I knew you would. If you don't read these books before this movie comes out in December 2007 I will never forgive you. I will buy these books for you if I have to. Just get off your butt and read them Ms. Procrastinator!

On an additional side note: At the end of the third book I cried like a little girl. I cried and cried and cried. The ending was gut-wrenchingly emotional and there are few books I have sobbed as hard over as this one. Do yourself a favor and get yourself emotionally involved with these novels. I whole-heartedly recommend it.

Drunk-dialing

What is it about alcohol that makes a person feel compelled to pick up the phone and call everyone in the damn world at 1:30 in the morning? I swear, I have got to be the worst drunk-dialer in the history of the world. I am the bastard child of Alexander Graham Bell and Jack Daniels. And it doesn't stop with phone calls either. I've long since gone digital and mobile with drunken emails and text messages. Thanks to the power of my drunken calls I have woken up families in the middle of the night, strained friendships, annoyed relatives, and convinced one girl in particular that I am a complete socially-inept psychopath. You would think that after a while I would learn my lesson, but it never seems to stick. A week ago last Saturday was my latest little escapade. I got black-out drunk over the course of the day (I blame World Cup soccer) and woke up the next day with a slew of voicemails and text messages. God only knows what I said or did because I am still too terrified to check either my voicemail or the outgoing messages that I sent. I've actually spent all weekend trying to work up the courage to call back one of the people I originally bothered and apologize. All in all, it's very stressful having to be like this; I'm probably going to give myself an ulcer worrying about it. I really just need to start hiding my phone when I'm drinking and save myself the embarrassment.

The Dunce-cap Marvel wishes to issue a blanket apology to any readers who have been affected by these recent drunken phone calls. If you have, you may be eligible for compensation. To find out more, please contact our offices.

Sleepless in Athens

"Sir, I'm having trouble sleeping. The monsters in my brain will not let me be."
"Doctor, this boy is clearly insane."
"Thank you nurse; I can see that. Now please fetch me those restraints. I'm sorry madam, but he must be put down."
"Yes, it is unfortunate, but I understand that it is the only way. Thank you doctor."
"NOOOOO!"

I think a lot. Sometimes my mind races, quickly touching down on something and then moving onto the next subject without even the tiniest pause. I can't sleep tonight. Hell, I can't sleep most nights. Maybe it's the depression. Maybe it's because my body is used to alcohol-induced slumber. Maybe it's the nightmares.

I have terrible nightmares. Not just bad dreams; nightmares. And nearly every night. The sort that a character in a H.P. Lovecraft story might have. I'm talking about some serious Randolph Carter, thrashing in bed and throwing off the covers, waking up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath nightmares. Some nights I'm scared to even fall asleep. I'll lay in bed completely exhausted and trying to fight off sleep for as long as I can. What do I dream about? Well, for one, I've died 10,000 terrible deaths. Countless times I have been stabbed, eaten alive by wild animals and scarier things, and shot in the back of the head like you would see in some Mafia execution. But those all pale in comparison to the things I've seen that are a million times worse. My dreams are always lucid and vivid. I've heard that most people dream in black and white. Not me; I get full, vibrant Technicolor every time. Not only that; I hear, smell, and taste perfectly too. I could not or would never want to describe what I see to any other human being on this earth. My dreams still frighten me in the middle of the day.

It's now 5 'o clock in the morning and I still can't sleep. Instead I am here, writing my blog and wondering if I am insane. I think too much and about things that I should probably steer clear of. If I sat down with a psychiatrist and told him/her everything that I think about I really think he/she would instantly stamp a big red CRAZY on the top of my file and call for the men in white coats to take me away in a strait-jacket. Maybe that's just an irrational fear or perhaps just the way the depressed human brain works. I don't know.

Good depressed music:

- Third Eye Blind is pretty high on the list. I'll go through a sizable list of songs, topping it all off with multiple plays of 'Motorcycle Drive-by'.
- Depressing-as-shit country is good. 'Whiskey Lullaby' by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss is usually key.
- I heart Pink Floyd. I don't break it out too often when I'm down, but when I do 'Sorrow', 'The Wall', and 'Shine on You Crazy Diamond' (this one time I wrote this poem for class . . . ) are pretty solid.
- If I'm in a real sentimental, botched-relationship kinda mood I play a few Blink-182 tracks. Yes, I'm almost 24 and I still like to listen to Blink every now and again. So what if I'm not in high school and those guys are like in their 30s.
- Grade or some other kind of punky/emo shit.
- Wagner, the Overture to Tannhauser. Sometimes the opera just really pulls it all together.
- Dire Straits. 'Romeo & Juliet', 'Tunnel of Love', and 'Telegraph Road'.
- The soundtrack for 'Waking Ned Devine'.
- 'Across the Stars'. It's the love theme from 'AOTC'.
- The Police. Take your pick.
- Coldplay. 'The Scientist' and 'Fix You'.
- You can throw in a couple Metallica, Tool, and Guns 'n Roses songs.
- Gin Blossoms, Gin Blossoms, and more Gin Blossoms.
- I have a mix CD with the perfect smattering of Bush, Hootie & the Blowfish, Nirvana, Counting Crows, Smashing Pumpkins, and Pearl Jam. It's a good selection of songs for when I'm depressed.
- When I'm still down but ready to start coming out of it I'll put on some Elvis. I think it's impossible to be from Memphis and not love the King.

It's a quarter 'til six. The sun is starting to come up. I'm starting to come out of it. I'm getting tired and my mind is starting to slow down. And just when I had so much more to talk about . . .

Copa Mundial

The World Cup so far has been amazing to watch this past week. We're only halfway through group play and already I have seen some phenomenal matches. The goal counter is up to 45 right now and there have been some great ones, but the saves have been just as good. It really is incredible how the world comes together for this magnitude of an event. I desperately wish I was there in Germany to cheer on the U.S. and German national teams (I've followed Germany since I started playing soccer as a kid). I had planned on it, but things didn't work out and now I have to be content to get up early each morning ready to go. It has been really nice having ESPN play all the matches; I've pretty much gotten to see all the ones I have wanted to. I still haven't been able to catch a German match though; looking forward to them and Ecuador.

A few other thoughts:

The U.S. team's first match against the Czechs was embarrassing. Going into it, I was worried and I figured that this would be the only loss we suffered in group play. However, I did not expect to lose 3-0 in the manner we did. Sure the Czech Republic is #2 in the world, but we #5 and a damn good soccer team. They way they played, it seemed that nobody wanted to be out there on that pitch. A lot of the players talked a big game before the start of the World Cup but they delivered on none of that talk. Landon Donavan especially has been a huge disappointment. He is the face of American soccer and he was a none factor. I still think we can do some damage and still make it to the final 16, but the players need a change in attitude fast for Italy on Saturday. Whatever the outcome, I will be in a public place cheering them on, very loud and obnoxiously.

Even with two wins, I would not be very happy if I was an Englishman. That team has played about as flat as the U.S. in both of their wins. The game last Saturday against Paraguay was awful and one of the worst matches I've seen in awhile. England seemed content to turn soccer into a kickball game and today against Trinidad & Tobago they didn't really play well either. And I still don't understand why Beckham is captaining the club; surely they could have made a better choice than that.

This might seem a bit corny, but I love the commercials that have been playing for the World Cup. The one featuring clips of the U.S. team playing abroad amongst anti-America protests to the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" is pretty heavy. I'm not going to lie, the first time I saw it I got a little teary-eyed. The other commerials with the U2 songs are nice too. It's nice to hear about the Ivory Coast stopping a civil war to play in the tournament. I think it is crazy how much of an impact the game of soccer has on the world and how the World Cup shuts everything down for a month. Not even the Olympics can boast that. With the Olympics, every country gets in, so it's not such a big deal. When a tiny little country makes it's first World Cup appearance in decades or even ever, that is something special.

Ecuador, Spain, and Italy are three very scary-looking teams. I would hate to be an opposing scout or manager and be forced to gameplan for these clubs. I think one of these three will go far in the tournament.

I am now officially a huge Trinidad & Tobago fan. This little club has completely won my heart. They came into this tournament with absolutely no chance of advancing to the next round and everyone expected Sweden and England to slaughter them, putting up huge goal totals. The opposite has held true. Their first match against Sweden was superb; probably one of the best and most entertaining soccer games I have seen. Time and time again they shut down the Swedish attack and held on to tie it 0-0, earning themselves a point. Shaka Hislop put up one of the best goalkeeping performances I have witnessed. I cannot praise him enough. And then after that upset, the experts and analysts wrote that game off as a fluke and promised a big loss to England. But Trinidad & Tobago held tough, almost scored on England in the first half, and played hard before tiring. Sure they gave up a goal to Crouch in the 83rd minute and a second one shortly after, but they hung around and scared the crap out of English players and fans for 82 minutes. Stern John and Cornell Glen were fantastic; what a great pair of lightning-quick strikers! I went from high to low when they scored that goal in stoppage and then had the offsides call wipe it out. I would be extremely proud to hail from Trinidad and/or Tobago after their play in these first two games. I really hope they are able to play strong against Paraguay and take home a win for their fans back home.

Tim Hildebrandt: 1939-2006

I just found out that Tim Hildrebrandt died on Sunday due to complications from his diabetes. What a sad, sad thing to learn. This is especially poignant to me since I just wrote my illustration blog a couple of weeks ago and mentioned him and his brother. They were one of my biggest influences as a kid and I always loved Tim's work. From LOTR to 'Sword of Shannara' to 'Star Wars' to the covers of Bruce Coville's books, Tim and Greg were always there, following me and illustrating my mind's image of such
wonderful stories. Tim, I will always appreciate what you gave me as a kid. You loosed my imagination and I will remember that for a very long time. It's strange to think of Greg continuing on without you; you both were such an extraordinary team. Thank you for everything you did for me and kids like me; I pray you rest in peace.

The bastardization of my childhood

When I was growing up, I loved the Transformers as much as the next kid. I mean, what male child raised in the '80s wouldn't? You had bad-ass trucks and race cars turning into robots with killer weapons. Pretty rad if you ask me. Although I was a bigger fan of Voltron if you have to know.
Now I hear they are making a 'Transformers' movie. Am I excited? Hell no! I couldn't care less about this and other films Hollywood wants to make about the cartoons of my childhood. I grew up and grew out of the whole giant robot phase. Leave that to the Japanese and their anime, I say. I don't care about this movie.
Why does Hollywood feel compelled to push this on us anyway? I guess we have it coming; the kids who grew up with these cartoons and loved them grew up themselves and got involved in the film industry. Rather than come up with original ideas, they decided to bring to life their childhood fantasies and make 'Transformers' and such.
A few months ago, lada told me that a 'Smurfs' film was being planned. I joked that Smurfette would be played by Jessica Simpson in blue body paint. Now that I think about it, I would not be surprised by that. I love these shows, but I don't want to see them as movies. It ruins my memories and brings down the source material. There was a reason 'Thundercats' was not a long-running series; it sucked (sorry Laurie, I never could get this one). Come up with something new Hollywood. I really hope the American public follows my example and doesn't give their money to this movie on opening weekend or any other. These movies need to fail abysmally to show the industry that we won't watch this trash and that we want quality, original flicks.

ps. The original post I wrote about this was much better and more cleverly written. Too bad blogger.com fucked me and decided to overhaul their server the exact minute I tried to publish my post. Thanks guys.

The West is best

- Cheer for your hometown team. Unless you want to be executed.

- Marrying animals is cool. Then worship your neighbor's cow.

- Murder your children with little to no consequences. Has some kid recently slept with your daughter and dishonored your family's honor? Eliminate him and set his house on fire.

- Deny your nation's crimes. It wasn't the Holocaust and only Chinese were harmed, so who cares?

- Speaking of the Holocaust, it didn't even exist. Use this fact as an international bargaining tool.

Obviously, I could go on and on. I'm not some crazy racist who hates Asians or Arabs for no reason other than skin color, religion, or language. I just feel that a lot of the world's population hasn't caught on to the development of Western thought, such as the Enlightenment, which just happened to be more than 200 years ago. Clearly, there has to be intelligent and educated people in Iran and the Middle East; get out of your medieval thought process! Maybe the West owns you because you insist on subjugating women and basic human rights. Might be that it has nothing to do with Allah's favor. And the Indians, Chinese, and Japanese aren't perfect either. The caste system is horribly wrong, killing infant girls is horribly wrong, and denying your nation's WWII crimes is horribly wrong. Bring it into this century people.

And don't even get me started on the whole cartoon thing. Last I checked we didn't kill Walt Disney for disrespecting mice.

And this is not to say that here in America that everything we do is hunky-dory. Obviously, every society and culture is going to have some problems and people who think quite backwardly. That Warren Jeffs guy out in Utah with his polygamist cult would not be my first pick to represent an outstanding American citizen.

Hellish*

*In response to lada

Highway to Hell - AC/DC
The Number of the Beast - Iron Maiden
Lucifer Sam - Pink Floyd
Heaven & Hell - Black Sabbath (Dio, not Ozzy)
The Four Horsemen - Metallica
The Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels Band
Hell is for Children - Pat Benatar
Prince of Darkness - Megadeth
Cowboys From Hell - Pantera
Nativity in Black - Black Sabbath
The Blessed Hellride - Black Label Society
Black Magic Woman - Santana
Witchy Woman - Eagles
Hellhound on My Trail - Robert Johnson
Sympathy for the Devil - Rolling Stones
Burnin' For You - Blue Öyster Cult
Lucifer - Alan Parsons Project
Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath
Overthrowing Creation Itself - Grade
Satan's Bed - Pearl Jam
Living in Sin - Bon Jovi
Hell's Bells - AC/DC

Reunited with Grace

Well, I finally got my truck back today from the shop. She's all fitted out with new brakes (at an amazing cost of $530!) and driving well. The first place I drove to was the DMV to get my license reinstated. Success and success. What an incredible burden to be free of! It feels so nice to be able to drive wherever, whenever I want. I don't have to throw the cruise control on at the exact speed limit; I can speed again without having to worry about going to jail in the unlikely occurence that I get pulled over. Yep, Grace and I can get back to driving around and having our little adventures. Now I can start worrying about finding the cash to fill up the gas tank.

My totally sweet life: Part 3*

*DEE-PRESSING! If I was you I would skip this and wait for more light-hearted fare. Even better, how about going back and reading the awesome illustration post I spent 6 hours on that no one seemed to appreciate?

* * *

Today was shit. More court, more drama at work with the boss, more truck dilemmas, more mounting money problems, more feelings of depression and worthlessness and hopelessness and wanting to up and join the USMC and go to Iraq to take out all my fucking emotion and bottled-up rage on some fucking al-Qaeda insurgent and show him what a pissed off mentally ill American can do with an automatic rifle and a Ka-Bar. I did a lot of thinking about coming home tired and exhausted to write in this blog and bitch and complain about my crappy existence and how I would have preferred to have the brakes go out completely on the highway travelling at 65 mph instead of in a parking lot, making things a whole lot deader and therefore a whole lot simpler. The thoughts are gathering and gathering in my mind into a jet-black cloud of thunderous pain and self-loathing, swirling and whirling into a massive mental cyclone that spins off little tormenting tornadoes and shoots hot lightning-bolts of hate into every crevasse and synapse of my brain, and then, and then . . .

. . . and then I take a deep breath. I call my cousin. I get an urge to open my Bible. I read a couple of Psalms. And now I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is not today.

Psalm 6 verse 3-8:
Have pity on me, LORD, for I am weak; heal me, LORD, for my bones are trembling.
In utter terror is my soul --- and you, LORD, how long . . . ?
Turn, LORD, save my life; in your mercy rescue me.
For who among the dead remembers you? Who praises you in Sheol?
I am wearied with sighing; all night long tears drench my bed; my couch is soaked with weeping.
My eyes are dimmed with sorrow, worn out because of all my foes.

Psalm 69 verse 2-4, 14-18:
Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck.
I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold. I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me.
I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes have failed, looking for my God.

But I pray to you, LORD, for the time of your favor. God, in your great kindness answer me with your constant help.
Rescue me from the mire; do not let me sink. Rescue me from my enemies and from the watery depths.
Do not let the floodwaters overwhelm me, nor the deep swallow me, nor the mouth of the pit close over me.
Answer me, LORD, in your generous love; in your great mercy turn to me.
Do not hide your face from your servant; in my distress hasten to answer me.

- The Dunce-cap Marvel is hoping that God answers prayers that pertain to the Cincinnati Reds.