Drunk-dialing

What is it about alcohol that makes a person feel compelled to pick up the phone and call everyone in the damn world at 1:30 in the morning? I swear, I have got to be the worst drunk-dialer in the history of the world. I am the bastard child of Alexander Graham Bell and Jack Daniels. And it doesn't stop with phone calls either. I've long since gone digital and mobile with drunken emails and text messages. Thanks to the power of my drunken calls I have woken up families in the middle of the night, strained friendships, annoyed relatives, and convinced one girl in particular that I am a complete socially-inept psychopath. You would think that after a while I would learn my lesson, but it never seems to stick. A week ago last Saturday was my latest little escapade. I got black-out drunk over the course of the day (I blame World Cup soccer) and woke up the next day with a slew of voicemails and text messages. God only knows what I said or did because I am still too terrified to check either my voicemail or the outgoing messages that I sent. I've actually spent all weekend trying to work up the courage to call back one of the people I originally bothered and apologize. All in all, it's very stressful having to be like this; I'm probably going to give myself an ulcer worrying about it. I really just need to start hiding my phone when I'm drinking and save myself the embarrassment.

The Dunce-cap Marvel wishes to issue a blanket apology to any readers who have been affected by these recent drunken phone calls. If you have, you may be eligible for compensation. To find out more, please contact our offices.