A Question of Death Metal

As per request here is the playlet that I wrote for class the other day. Enjoy.

(Outside of a rock ‘n roll club in some non-descript little American town. It’s around dusk and loud music can be heard from inside. SEAN PFEIFFER and MARK CASSIDY, both 18, are milling about in front. SEAN is stick-thin, wears thick glasses, and has a shock of messy black hair. MARK is grossly overweight and has a shaved head. Both are dressed all in black and are wearing heavy metal T-shirts.)

MARK
FUCKING ‘A! Can you fucking believe it!? I sure as hell can’t! Can you fucking believe that guy!? Man, I shoulda stomped his sorry ass into the concrete . . . I mean I was just about to . . . I mean I would have ‘cept . . . except it wasn’t worth the effort, FUCK!

SEAN
Yeah, how messed up was that? I can’t believe we drove an hour and a half here for absolutely nothing. I should have known we weren’t going to get in. Hell, I should have stayed at home. We could have been playing D&D with the others like we originally planned. At least that way Greg could have scored us some beer from his dad’s fridge. I bet they’re just getting started right now. They are gonna laugh at us for being such idiots.
(To himself)
Why did I let Mark drag me here?
(Back to MARK)
Well, what do you want to do now?

MARK
What do I want to do now? WHAT DO I WANT TO DO NOW!? I’ll tell you what I want to do. I want to go back there and punch that bouncer in the face like I should have done the first time. I still can’t believe that douche-bag wouldn’t let us in. I mean, you look just like your brother in that picture and everybody tells me I look 21. Hell, just the other day this chick told me I looked pretty old for my age.

SEAN
Mark . . . dude, that was your mom. I was there. And you look pretty obese for your age . . . not old. The only thing you get mistaken for is the Pillsbury dough boy. And I don’t think he can get into bars either.

MARK
(pauses)
Oh yeah . . . I know THAT was my mom, Sean. I was talking about this hot bitch at school . . . she said I looked pretty old too. You know, maybe if we snuck around the back . . . I’m sure there’s another way in.

SEAN
No way dude. Besides, you’ve done enough. I mean, fuck, you cried so much when we got denied that the bouncer said he was going to have to call the cops. You CRIED for God’s sake.

MARK
What the fuck do you want? I mean, does he know we’re missing Slayer? The best death metal band in the fucking history of the world? Anyways, those were tears of rage. You know how the Incredible Hulk turns green when he gets mad and is about to fuck someone’s shit up? Well, I’m the same way . . . except I cry tears of blood to freak out my enemies. Lucky for him you intervened.

SEAN
You . . . are . . . so . . . fucking retarded. Listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth. One . . . Megadeth would kick Slayer’s ass any day of the week. Two . . . you’re nothing like the Incredible Hulk; you don’t even have a passing resemblance to Bruce Banner for God’s sakes. Three . . . you are a fucking bitch and you were crying. Just normal, bitch tears.

MARK
I can’t believe you. You’re supposed to be my best friend and you attack me like this. How can you say that Megadeth is better? Man, you call yourself a Slayer fan? I mean, Dave Mustaine is a Metallica reject. And Marty Friedman? Dimebag Darrell could play circles around him . . . and he’s dead.

SEAN
Dude, totally weak. That’s blasphemy to talk about Dimebag like that.
(SEAN throws his hands into the air)
Besides, what the fuck am I even doing here arguing with you? I should be at home, or hanging out at Greg’s, or . . . even better, I should be calling Shauna right now begging her to take me back. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do . . . as soon as I get home. Let’s go back to the car.

MARK
Come on, do we really have to go down this road again? If you start bitching about your ex-girlfriend I’ll fucking punch you in the face. Let’s find a way into this concert and have a good time. So she caught you making out with Princess Leia at the comic book convention . . . big deal. It’s not like she never cheated on you. Hey, by the way I never asked you. Was that girl dressed up in classic white or the slave girl costume from Return of the Jedi?

SEAN
Slave girl . . . what do you mean Shauna cheated on me? With who?
(MARK looks sheepish)
Just TELL me!

MARK
Shit, man I’m sorry. I thought you knew. It was that Keith Taylor kid from Lakeside. I heard . . . I heard she fucked him in the bathroom of a Chucky Cheese. How hilarious is that shit? What the FUCK were they doing in a Chucky Cheese?
(SEAN is growing visibly angry, scowling and clenching his fists)
I don’t know what she saw in that guy anyway. He’s fatter than me . . . although I did hear he has a great Spider-Man collection. He’s got every book from the Venom-Maximum Carnage storylines. I wish I—
(SEAN hits MARK square in the face. They end up wrestling on the ground. Eventually the fight stops and they separate bloodied and scuffed up. MARK is crying again.)
Why the FUCK did you hit me you ASSHOLE!?

SEAN
Because YOU’RE the asshole Mark! You bitched at me until I agreed to come to this stupid concert with you, you bitched at me to drive, you bitched the whole way here, you bitched because we had to buy tickets from a scalper, you bitched because they were too expensive, you bitched cuz you were hungry, you bitched cuz we got here late cuz you had to eat, you bitched at the door guy for not letting us in, and now you’re bitching at me for hitting you because you’re talking shit about my girlfriend. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO!?

MARK
Shit, man I’m sorry. I guess I just got so worked up about the concert today I didn’t think. Sorry. Well, we’re having a fucking shitty day. No girlfriends and no Slayer. You know . . . I think that God hates us. I just want you to know that.

SEAN
Yeah, he does.

MARK
(Stands up and begins to chant)
God hates us! God hates us! God hates us all! God hates us all!
(Meanwhile the bouncer comes from inside and pulls SEAN aside to tell him something. The whole time MARK continues to chant, even pulling aside strangers walking by to tell them.)
C’mon man, say it with me. God hates us all! God hates us all!

SEAN
(Reacting to what the bouncer is telling him and getting visibly excited.)
What!? Jesus, are you fucking kidding me!? Mark, guess what!? This guy is telling us he’ll sneak us in the back door . . . and even give us BACKSTAGE PASSES!

MARK
HALLELUIAH!!! GOD LOVES US! FUCKING ‘A! Can you fucking believe it!? Can you fucking believe that guy!? What a cool motherfucker! I’m so glad I didn’t stomp his face like I said I was going to! SLAYER RULES!