Reading The Onion in the SLC is a bad idea

I've made a lot of mistakes . . . had a lot of bad ideas in my lifetime, but this one has got to take the proverbial cake. So I'm sitting in the Student Learning Center on the computer. Just checking my email and surfing the web between classes. I get a little memo that there is a new issue of The Onion out today. I think to myself, "I'll check that out." Mere minutes later, I'm getting all sorts of stares from everyone around me. I've just read an article on Sudden Elderly Death Syndrome and I'm trying to suppress the urge to laugh. My sides are aching and I have to cover my mouth to prevent myself from guffawing out loud. I take a breath and get it under control and figure it's safe to continue to the next article. How wrong I was. The guy sitting next to me can only look over with a look of sheer annoyance and utter contempt. "What the fuck is this dude giggling about!?" is what he's thinking. Finally, I can't go on and have to run to the water fountain to calm down, each step my body threatening to erupt into full-scale belly laughs just thinking about this shit. So as a warning to all my readers: Don't read The Onion in a library environment. You might be asked to leave.