Riding the razor wire to my demise*

*I originally put up this post but then took it down. I ain't gonna lie, it's pretty dark and self-destructive. I took it down cuz I was worried about worrying people who know me and would read it. Fuck it, I'm putting it back up. I mean at the moment I wrote it I felt this way. If you read it just know that I was fucking depressed as hell and I had just lost my job. Not to mention I was a little drunk. None of it is lies; I've felt these things before, but you do have to keep in mind that I suffer from clinical depression and maybe bi-polar disorder. I kinda think it's funny to read afterwards and a little interesting as well. So take it as it is and don't read too much into it. I never said depression didn't suck. Besides I do think the title is pretty fucking rad.

"What's the worst thing you can imagine?"

I don't know, I can imagine a lot.

Since I was a teenager I have had this awful feeling that I would never live past the age of 23. I will be 24 in a month in a half. I'm not 100% positive that I'm going to make it.

I got fired today. That makes four firings out of the last five jobs I've had. How the fuck did I come to that!? I don't have anything anymore; no job, no school, no reason to continue. My family lives half a country away and besides, I've failed my parents more times than I could count. I am my father's great embarrassment. I have failed everyone I know in some capacity. My life is forfeit.

I thought I could save myself. I somehow thought that Kael and Cor would save me; that they would be my great redemption. But I let them down as well. I cannot remember the last good thing that I did. I am so full of hate that I don't know if God Himself could forgive me.

What if I had answered you honestly? What would you have said? This is the worst that I can imagine; that I will act upon my deepest hatred and eliminate myself. Would that have made you happy? Of course not; you would have been upset and angry at the least. I am not some great fool to think that no one cares about me. But what does it help when it does me absolutely no good? I can not remember a time when I didn't hate myself. It is something that carries back to my youngest days.

I will not hurt myself. I promised someone long ago that I wouldn't. But I no longer care about my well-being. If I ever did. I will live and expect to die. It is my cross to bear. I wish I could be a happy man; I wish I could enjoy my wonderful family and friends. But I fear that is not my prerogative. I rush to meet my death; it is the only peace I can imagine, the only escape that I am promised. Life is too long and hard, it seems, for this Dream-Warrior.

"She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin' to forget.
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time,
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind.
Until the night, He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger,
And finally drank away her memory.
Life is short but this time it was bigger,
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees.
We found him with his face down in the pillow,
With a note that said I'll love her till I die.
And when we buried him beneath the willow,
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby."

- "Whiskey Lullaby" Brad Paisley & Alison Krauss